


Leaving and Staying

by Ninety_Six_Thousand



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Thomas Jefferson, I really need to stop doing this, M/M, im so sorry, really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 21:21:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8912425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninety_Six_Thousand/pseuds/Ninety_Six_Thousand
Summary: James Madison has not been truly happy since he walked into his own home to see a cold, lifeless Thomas Jefferson. Since he had seen his love's face, horribly sad yet strangely calm when confronted with death of their own creation.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of to fix my other fic, Love and Lies. But you can read it as a standalone, I think.

James Madison has not been truly happy since he walked into his own home to see a cold, lifeless Thomas Jefferson. Since he had seen his love's face, horribly sad yet strangely calm when confronted with death of their own creation.

His inbox is overflowing with unread voicemails, mainly family and friends that want to make sure he's okay. The thought sends a hollow laugh through his chest. Of course he isn't okay. He killed the only person he knew that could light up a room with a smile. He can't help but feel guilty, knowing that he has deprived the world of much of its sunlight.

He knows he has to even the score somehow; put some light back into the universe from which he stole Thomas Jefferson. He just doesn't know how. He's so tired all the time. He can barely stand, let alone go on some self-righteous mission to save the dead.

Madison can't remember the last time he got out of bed, let alone showered. It must've been when John and Alex had come to visit. Alex seemed to be especially empathetic to matters of the broken heart, having broken someone else's heart long ago.

When John saw him, he immediately made him take a shower and then asked when the last time he had eaten was. Madison didn't know.

They keep checking in every now and again, but it isn't enough to keep Madison's mind occupied. He's taken to thinking a lot about what Thomas had done. Not about Thomas in particular, just about the act of suicide itself.

It seems like a viable option.

He can't actually think of a better one, all things considered. It's not that he inherently wants to be dead, per say, but he can't bear the thought of having to live for much longer without Thomas by his side. He hopes he'll see Thomas when he's gone. He wonders, idly, if they send the saints and the sinners to the same place. Probably not.

Still... What's the alternative? Sit around and pine for the already gone? He would really rather not.

Already feeling a lightening in his step, Madison gets up and walks over to the medicine cabinet, ruffling around for something he can use. He feels frustration pool in his tears as he comes up empty.

"Shit!" He was normally very mild spoken. If anyone were to have heard that, they would have been very surprised. Anyone but Thomas, that is. He can almost still hear Thomas' snide remark about only hearing that type of language in bed, coupled with a small laugh.

He begins to search more frantically, throwing bottles behind him in his need to find the right one.

"Please, no. Please!" Madison is assaulted with a memory of that night.

_"Please, Thomas. Please." Tears are dripping down his face pooling at the bottom of his chin. He can't be bothered to wipe them away. What's the point, anyway? Thomas is dead. The light of his life is dead._

The full magnanimity of what he is about to do hits him. Will anyone be devestated over him? Madison can't think of a single person that would be. And that's what throws him over the line, collapsing to the floor with tears dropping in front of him.

But he knows he can't give up. Can't leave the world unbalanced; he must take some darkness from the world to atone for the light that he stole.

He rushes to the kitchen and grabs the biggest knife he can find. There's a sharp pain in his wrists, then blood is pooling all around him. He looks down in confusion to see both of his wrists split open; his life is dripping out and staining the tile beneath him. He can't help but smile.

Madison doesn't know when he ended up lying on the floor, but the next thing he knows, Thomas Jefferson is walking towards him. She looks _stunning_. She's wearing a long white dress, and, for a moment, Madison can almost mistake her for an angel. Then he realizes that it's not a mistake at all.

"Tho-Thomas?"

Thomas smiles at him. "Yes, Jemmy."

Madison holds back tears. "Wha-How?"

She shakes her head. "That's not important right now. What's important is whether you really want to do this."

"I do." He was so certain before he said that, but now... he isn't really sure. Does he really want to do this, understanding the full implications?

Thomas smiles sadly and extends a hand. Madison knows that if he takes it, that will be the end of it. This is his final decision.

He takes her hand. Everything goes quiet.

 


End file.
